TV Mag

Every Saturday I have an age old routine. Get up, have a fag, go downstairs, read the TV Mag. I've been doing this for ages, yet, somewhat surprisingly it's the first time I've ever clocked on to how pathetic the people writing in to the letters page are:

'Dad's too bad:

When is Hollyoaks going to give bad boy Ste a shot at being a dad? The poor guy's ex Amy left him holding baby Lucas - and then two strangers totally took over! I think Ste has been trying really hard compared to some dads.

Laura Henderson, Ferryden, Montrose'

O.k. so she's from Scotland...can't have much else to do...

'Saluting Susan:

I think Susan in Neighbours is fantastic for offering to be a surrogate mother for her daughter Libby. She is such a good person for trying to help. However, I understand Karl's worries. I hope he can come to terms with it because it is what Susan wants to do.

Jess Barnes, Bristol'

IT'S NOT FUCKING REAL!! YOU SAD, BORED, LONELY AND STUNNINGLY FUCKING RETARDED STUPID POND LIFE CUNTS!!!

I love Eastenders, I have watched it since I was a child and hell... sometimes I do empathize with the characters as if they were real, but not once have I ever felt compelled to write in to a T.V. magazine and make it look as if the only thing working in my brain is a small chinchilla trying to press very small buttons with an immensely sizable paw. The people who write in to complain about smut and swearing aren't even half as bad as the fuckers who write letters like the ones above because at least they have some grip on reality. Do these same people think that the Teletubbies are real? That Most Haunted isn't a huge con? That tatty old arsehole Arlene Phillips actually isn't pure bone dust inside? Or that Jeremy Clarkson isn't just a right-wing anus face, who is on the contrary a philosopher, who spouts views which are not the equivalent of a dank-tuft of rectal pubic hair? Or perhaps even they believed the misapprehension that the nation didn't just skip to the sports section of the tabloids when Jade Goody was breathing her last unintelligent breaths?

I always get up on the right side of bed..

JPH